brad laidman
2006-01-02 21:22:13 UTC
The Keith Crime Commission
January 1, 2006: First Column of the new era
I honestly think that given the chance, I could be as good a columnist as
anyone who has ever lived. That's not very likely to happen, but really what's
the point in trying if you aren't aiming for the top? For as the amazing
Michael Pare said in the epic Eddie and the Cruisers, "If we can't be great
then there's no sense of ever playing music again." Even Ed Wood did his
best to be Orson Welles. Let's just pray to God that I am not as misguided
about the level of my talent as he was.
Apparently, I missed the whole blog thing by being way in front of it. I had
a web site, but I couldn't even figure out the right way to make it come up
on search engines, despite my willingness to part with my hard earned cash.
The demise of my first real column, The Felicity Commission, which had maybe
50 or so die hard readers, was pretty much all my fault.
1.) The show Felicity got canceled
2.) Confining your writing to the readers of internet groups that watched
a really low rated television show not on a major network is probably not
nearly as good a marketing plan as the one Ray Kroc had.
Anyone, who knows me knows that I am clueless about how to market myself. I
did really well in school, but there is no way I'd ever be capable of flying
over to Iraq, like that 15 year old kid did. I wouldn't have even figured
out how to get a passport, before the feeling passed. So anyway at the risk
of becoming completely ignored or at best the next John Kennedy Toole (my
mother is currently hawking my material as we speak just like his), I am two
weeks past 40 and here is my first column of the new era. I'm doubting it
will be good enough for anyone to remark the start of time with (you know
like they did with Jesus), but for me this is day one.
By the way, Keith Crime is the cool punk name I gave myself sort of like
Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious. I had thought about Vivian Death until a
friend pointed out the initials probably wouldn't be very good for my sex
life. So, when I write I'm Keith Crime. It may not be as good a pseudonym as
Mark Twain or Fats Domino, but I think it's definitely better and more
original than Chubby Checker.
Hackneyed - Good?
So, clearly, it being New Years Day, I should avoid the column every two
bit, trite, hackneyed, columnist uses to get out of doing his job on this
day. Or? Or I could go the other way and drive right down the center of the
highway and see if I can pull off making the same, trite, hackneyed, been
done a million times subject new and funny again. I'm guessing no, but .
My New Year's Resolution
I spent New Year's Eve talking to a bunch of 25 year old girls, most of whom
were idealistic teachers or social workers. Since I moved to Chicago, I've
sort of been adopted by one of my co-workers, and she always invites me to
her parties. I feel pretty good about getting out and being invited to a
party, but really mostly it just makes me feel old. I couldn't really pull
of macking on 25 year olds very well, when I was 25, and I have yet to
become Jack Nicholson, so there's no way I could pull anything off at one of
these parties at 40. That's probably the truth, but if I meet you in person,
I'm going to tell you that I don't feel that I could ever really fall in
love with someone that much younger than me. I'll look very sincere and do
my best to make you feel really sorry about how a romantic soul, such as
myself, has so viciously wound up alone at 40.
When I was a kid, forget that when anyone is a kid, they look at adults as
the very definition of compromise and vow never to be like them. You know
that Pete Townshend ditty, My Generation, that went "Hope, I die before I
get old." Now that I've been around for a few years and completely had my
ass kicked by life on numerous occasions, I don't feel like a sell out, but
I do understand the part of William Wharton's Birdy, where a wrestler having
been ravaged by the Viet Nam War admits that he is no longer looking to pin
life, but just trying to survive it with perhaps a little dignity in tact,
and yes, I just self pityingly compared my life to someone ravaged by the
Viet Nam War, because really being exposed to Agent Orange and not having
your life turn out exactly how you wanted it to is really basically the same
thing, isn't it?
Nevertheless, keeping this in mind, I've decided to make my New Year's
Resolution something reasonable, something I have maybe a 50-50 shot at
living up to. My pledge last year to end global terror was a complete
failure and I'm not letting my eyes get too big for my stomach this year.
My New Year's resolution this year is not to die. I feel this is somewhat
achievable. See most people say they are going to quit smoking and then fail
on like the third day. With my resolution, quitting smoking would probably
help me achieve my goal, but I'm overconfident enough at this point that I'm
not really even considering it. There are a lot more good things about my
New Year's Resolution:
1.) I can't really achieve it until the end of the year. If I chose to
climb Mount Everest wearing a Ronald McDonald costume, that resolution could
be completed by at least mid-May, and then what would I have to do?
2.) I will be essentially doing my best to live up to this resolution
every single waking moment of the year!
3.) If I fail, I don't see myself feeling a ton of guilt over my failure.
The only thing that scares me of course, is that seemingly one of the best
ways of winding up dead is to joke about dying. Admit it, you've all read at
least 10 Biographies . Let me word this better. You've all seen at least 10
shows on the Biography Network, where someone made an odd reference or sly
turn of phrase about dying and then kicked like 4 days later. It is my
sincere hope that this happened merely because those people were always
making jokes about dying, and that I haven't forever sealed my fate. See, I'm
risking my very life to make my New Year's wish come through. I dare you to
tell me that you are doing more than me because you've decided to start
jogging three hours every morning before work.
The eeriest bit of non-plagiarism ever
I always think I've been plagiarized despite the fact that having an
audience of like 50 people really limits others' ability to plagiarize you.
I wrote the following about a month and a half ago in a piece no one has
really seen about Paul McCartney's new marriage.
There was an episode of the brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry
David was hesitant to commit to his wife for eternity. I wouldn't and I'm a
true believer in love. I have to believe that if there's a heaven, we revert
to a state of ourselves at our most beautiful. Kids who died suddenly become
the greatest potential of themselves. You mean I suddenly get to hit on
Marilyn Monroe
at my best and you want me to commit to some chick I met in Akron after I
lost my hair? Not likely.
In the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David dies, goes to
heaven, gets his hair back and finds out that Marilyn Monroe has a crush on
him. It first aired about a month ago. It isn't really that original, but
wow, I even referenced the exact show that staged my little scenario. Can
anyone else tell why I think God is just a guy somewhere messing with my
life for his own self amusement?
The Nonpareil Brilliance of Paris Hilton
Look I'm not out to argue that there haven't been greater success stories in
the world. Paris Hilton isn't Jesus. She was born with a lot more money than
him, but if you grant him the whole son of God thing, then really is it that
amazing that he reached the heights that he did? Albert Einstein, Jonas
Salk, Mozart, Wagner those dudes were really really smart. If I was born
with Mozart's musical talent, I'm pretty sure that I'd sell at least as many
records as John Tesh. Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Sharon Stone these were
some really hot women. If I looked like Grace Kelly, I may not have married
a Prince, but I'm guessing I'd be hooked up with at least a pretty rich
plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills.
Paris Hilton would probably have been like the tenth hottest girl in your
high school. I'm guessing that if Paris Hilton ever took the SAT's, she
would be hard pressed to match the score of a single College Basketball
player made to sit out their freshman year because of Proposition 48.
Sure, she has a name and her parents are wealthy. So did those Kennedy kids
who were out drunkenly playing football on skis on a regular basis. If I
were Paris Hilton, I wouldn't have even gone to college. I'd be living it up
like Jude Law in the Talented Mr. Ripley. And yet, here is a girl who
recognized her talents and used them to the fullest. She literally one day
may make as much money for just being herself as the Olson Twins have, and
she was never on a really crappy sit-com when she was really cute.
We've talked about her liabilities. If she had a good guidance counselor,
her session would have gone like this.
GC: Paris, what would you say your assets are?
Paris: Well, I'm vapid in that way all guys like. I'm obsessed with material
goods. I'm rich but I'd much rather be famous. I love seeing myself in the
mirror, in photos, on television, on video tape, on DVD, penciled by
Leonardo DiCaprio on a cruise ship. I really like to party and I'm willing
to be as trashy as it takes to get what I want.
GC: We can work with that!
Look it's forever astounded me the amount of money semi-famous people get
paid to give a speech at some dinner. Bill Clinton probably gets 100 Grand
an appearance. But again, Rhodes Scholar and former President. Paris Hilton
can not spell Rhodes Scholarship and she gets 20 K to show up at a party and
doesn't even have to give a speech.
This reminds me of one of my favorite examples of beauty over brains in the
USA. Tabitha Soren MTV's cute newswoman on the Clinton beat hears Bill say
how much he likes Thelonius Monk and walks over to a friend and asks "Who is
The Loneliest Monk?" I've even thought about naming a band that.
Please give Paris her props and be glad that unlike the doomed Dana Plato
she hasn't reproduced, or prompted someone to make a phone call to the
police telling them that the girl who played Kimberly on Different Strokes
just robbed her video store.
Why me and my Latin teacher had problems
Teacher: Today, we will be studying Plato
Me: Dana?
Back from dreaming for a day and a half
It's Monday afternoon now, I've just slept off New Year's Ever for like a
day and a half. The only thing I did on New Year's was buy cat food because
Bailey kept looking at me like a heroin addict about to lose it. I had some
funky dreams, which is weird because supposedly I have sleep apnea and don't
get any REM sleep at all. The oddest thing about my dreams is that in a lot
of them I'm really good at rollerblading. I'm rollerblading everywhere,
which is weird because I can barely rollerblade and the last time I
rollerbladed was like 8 years ago in Golden Gate park on a date and I was so
out of shape that after fifteen minutes I was exhausted and begged off and
moved us into the Aquarium. I have no idea what this says about me.
The dream I just had was sort of like a nightmare of all my most liberal
leanings. For some reason, I'm at my grandparent's old house and I've
volunteered to escort some high school kids to some sort of play or
something. A bus of like 80 out of control youth and their wildly liberal
teachers come over. They come into the house and basically just start
inhabiting it as if they own it. They are grabbing food. They make
themselves at home and start watching TV. They smoke all my cigarettes. As I'm
getting ready, in my bedroom, a naked teen girl leads two guys smoking
marijuana into my room and tells me that they need to use my bed. She has
this note that says she was caught having sex in public and that as a result
she has been ordered to carry at least three state issued condemns at all
times. In the dream, I totally lost it and start lecturing the kids. For
some reason, after I woke up, I sort of felt like I should have just gone
with it and enjoyed the carnality. Apparently, I'm much more conservative
when I'm asleep. Either that or I fell asleep with Rush Limbaugh on or
something.
Here's Dave
Was just thinking about David Letterman for some reason. When I was in high
school, I used to tape his show and watch it during school. You see most
days at school my mother would call in and say that I wasn't feeling well
and would be late. I would then take a bus that would get me to school about
two hours late, which in no way meant that I then proceeded to go to school.
Usually, I hung out all day in the AV room, which was basically a closet,
and watch videos. Then right before the last class of the day (well for me
it was study hall), I would sign in as present, which got me credit for a
half day of attendance (the front office knew nothing about fractions). Then
I would go to study hall, which for me took place in the AV room, because
supposedly as a member of the National Honors Society I was tutoring others
during my study hall. Sometimes when I was only sort of there, I would even
hang out with teachers. I'd go to the English Office and chat, sometimes
with the teacher, whose class I was about a half an hour away from blowing
off. I tell you, minus Mia Sara, I totally owned Ferris Beullar. We only
had a few videos. So other than when I would bring in a Letterman, it meant
another viewing of either Stripes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Deep
Throat. With today's technology, it's got to be really scary what the
inspired young high school kid could be into as we speak.
Dave was the coolest before he didn't get the Tonight Show gig. After that
he became all about, "I've thought a lot about what I need to do to get
ratings in an earlier time slot, and I can make those adjustments." Before
that he was on so late that no one really cared what he did. No one was
expected to watch and it was when almost no one had cable so about a third
of the television viewers would have been willing to watch a test pattern.
Most of the time Letterman just reveled in getting away with doing really
inane stuff on television. "Look at me, technology has given me a tool in
which I can reach and influence millions of people for the better. Let's
spend ten minutes showing me toss pencils out my fake window!" I remember
shows that were shown upside down, a show where all the usual nice furniture
had been replaced with really tacky lawn furniture, he was completely out of
control and it was brilliant and liberating. My favorite all time show was
one where he didn't show up because he was at home waiting for a man to come
and install his cable television. They showed him at home playing with his
dogs for like ten minutes and then Charles Grodin came out and pretended to
be irritated because he was sitting across from an empty desk, while he was
being interviewed.
He was also a complete ass in those days. Celebrities that didn't get the
joke avoided him because they didn't want to look stupid on television. Even
the ones that got it looked kind of stupid. He once made Teri Garr go into
his office and take a shower. Sandra Berhardt would go on and pretend she
was dying for Dave to fuck her right there on the desk. Jay Leno would come
on and be edgy and funny!!! Wow, the world sure has changed.
The only time I ever saw Letterman completely speechless was the first time
he had Cher on. He kept harping at her about why she had avoided his show
for so long and she finally said, "because I've always thought you were an
asshole!" He was totally shocked, and even, I think, felt bad like wow maybe
I am an asshole. He was as out of it for the next ten minutes as Farrah
Fawcett was that one time she showed up for the show having taken every
single drug ever invented.
And yet of course, that isn't my favorite Farrah late night appearance. That
would be when she was on Conan O'Brian. First he begged her to sit on a
motorcycle with him and then he begged her for like three minutes to star in
a Charlie's Angels reunion. She finally asked Conan what would be the point
what would they do that would be interesting, and Conan, totally crushed
said "What are you talking about, you'd get together and fight crime!"
Speaking of which, and this is really pathetic. When I was in Los Angeles, I
was bowling with some people and this really pretty girl basically begged me
to ask her out. So I took her out on this really cool date to see Jon Brion.
Tom Petty was in the audience. She was really into George Michael and
Charlie's Angels (this was before the movie came out). Thinking that the
date had gone fabulously, I went out and spent like 100 bucks on an original
Charlie's Angels toy van still in the packaging as a gift. Then she blew me
off, because I don't think she had realized that I was as old as I really
was. I still have that thing. In fact, it's still in the trunk of my car,
packed away in a box. I have no idea if its value has gone up or down. Maybe
I should put it up on E-Bay.
Oh, well where we were? Anyway, Dave didn't get the Tonight Show, basically
because of his outrageousness, and the perception (possibly false) that Jay
Leno was more willing to sell out and appeal to 80 year olds in Rhode
Island, and disappointed Dave decided to try to compete for that audience
too. It's like a genius Rock and Roll guitarist, who is suddenly told that
he is nothing because he doesn't play classical music, so he goes off and
writes a really bad Sonata, when the real answer should have been "I'd like
to see Leonard Bernstein shred like this!"
The complete end for me came when he censored Bill Hicks. Hicks did tons of
material about how his friend Jay Leno had sold out, and hated the show so
much he wouldn't do Leno. He loved Letterman, but every time he came on that
show, he had to dance around the censors. They actually wouldn't let him do
a joke about accidentally blinding a kid in elementary school with a pencil.
So he went on the show and did a bunch of clean, not really even offensive
jokes about religion, abortion, the controversy over homosexual children's
books. The whole set was approved and then the show balked and cut it out.
They promised to send Hicks a copy of the performance and didn't even do
that. If Madonna had gone on the old late night NBC Letterman show and
started swearing Dave would have been in rapture. When it happened at 11:45,
he almost had a conniption fit. Wasn't I just talking about the compromises
of adulthood. I guess Spinal Tap was right. "The proper time to sell out is
the first time someone offers you something."
The Rebellion of the Jedi
One of my favorite quotes ever was at the end of Alex Haley's Roots where he
says that the reason he wrote the book was his "hope that this story of our
people can help to alleviate the legacies of the fact that preponderantly
the histories have been written by the winners." On my 40th birthday, I was
at a party and I met these two guys from Virginia. I told them that I had
been there once for a friends' wedding and was shocked that everyone down
there is still talking about the Civil War and this was way before the whole
Ken Burns thing. No one in Ohio ever talks about the Civil War. They agreed
and shocked me when they told me that in the South it isn't called the Civil
War, that they actually teach kids in schools that the proper name is The
War of Northern Aggression. I can't tell you how much this still blows my
mind. Anyway, a couple days ago I was watching Revenge of the Sith, and I
was thinking that you could make a pretty decent movie from the Sith side of
things. Lucas' version just seems like a really biased propaganda film. I'm
guessing it wasn't so black and white (Darth vs. Luke). Who would be so evil
as to call their religion the dark side. I tend to doubt that that really
ever happened. Plus the Jedi were a bunch of uptight asses. Samuel S.
Jackson acts like the most arrogant father of all time. You're telling me
that dude was scared to death and had a personal crisis over having to tell
the Jedi that he had slept with and married Natalie Portman? What's with the
little kids? Were these Jedi nothing but a bunch of pedophiles? Remember
when they brought Anakin back and they told him he was too old for training.
This is really creeping me out. I'm guessing we haven't heard the whole
story.
Having degenerated down to Star Wars dork. I bid you adieu.
January 1, 2006: First Column of the new era
I honestly think that given the chance, I could be as good a columnist as
anyone who has ever lived. That's not very likely to happen, but really what's
the point in trying if you aren't aiming for the top? For as the amazing
Michael Pare said in the epic Eddie and the Cruisers, "If we can't be great
then there's no sense of ever playing music again." Even Ed Wood did his
best to be Orson Welles. Let's just pray to God that I am not as misguided
about the level of my talent as he was.
Apparently, I missed the whole blog thing by being way in front of it. I had
a web site, but I couldn't even figure out the right way to make it come up
on search engines, despite my willingness to part with my hard earned cash.
The demise of my first real column, The Felicity Commission, which had maybe
50 or so die hard readers, was pretty much all my fault.
1.) The show Felicity got canceled
2.) Confining your writing to the readers of internet groups that watched
a really low rated television show not on a major network is probably not
nearly as good a marketing plan as the one Ray Kroc had.
Anyone, who knows me knows that I am clueless about how to market myself. I
did really well in school, but there is no way I'd ever be capable of flying
over to Iraq, like that 15 year old kid did. I wouldn't have even figured
out how to get a passport, before the feeling passed. So anyway at the risk
of becoming completely ignored or at best the next John Kennedy Toole (my
mother is currently hawking my material as we speak just like his), I am two
weeks past 40 and here is my first column of the new era. I'm doubting it
will be good enough for anyone to remark the start of time with (you know
like they did with Jesus), but for me this is day one.
By the way, Keith Crime is the cool punk name I gave myself sort of like
Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious. I had thought about Vivian Death until a
friend pointed out the initials probably wouldn't be very good for my sex
life. So, when I write I'm Keith Crime. It may not be as good a pseudonym as
Mark Twain or Fats Domino, but I think it's definitely better and more
original than Chubby Checker.
Hackneyed - Good?
So, clearly, it being New Years Day, I should avoid the column every two
bit, trite, hackneyed, columnist uses to get out of doing his job on this
day. Or? Or I could go the other way and drive right down the center of the
highway and see if I can pull off making the same, trite, hackneyed, been
done a million times subject new and funny again. I'm guessing no, but .
My New Year's Resolution
I spent New Year's Eve talking to a bunch of 25 year old girls, most of whom
were idealistic teachers or social workers. Since I moved to Chicago, I've
sort of been adopted by one of my co-workers, and she always invites me to
her parties. I feel pretty good about getting out and being invited to a
party, but really mostly it just makes me feel old. I couldn't really pull
of macking on 25 year olds very well, when I was 25, and I have yet to
become Jack Nicholson, so there's no way I could pull anything off at one of
these parties at 40. That's probably the truth, but if I meet you in person,
I'm going to tell you that I don't feel that I could ever really fall in
love with someone that much younger than me. I'll look very sincere and do
my best to make you feel really sorry about how a romantic soul, such as
myself, has so viciously wound up alone at 40.
When I was a kid, forget that when anyone is a kid, they look at adults as
the very definition of compromise and vow never to be like them. You know
that Pete Townshend ditty, My Generation, that went "Hope, I die before I
get old." Now that I've been around for a few years and completely had my
ass kicked by life on numerous occasions, I don't feel like a sell out, but
I do understand the part of William Wharton's Birdy, where a wrestler having
been ravaged by the Viet Nam War admits that he is no longer looking to pin
life, but just trying to survive it with perhaps a little dignity in tact,
and yes, I just self pityingly compared my life to someone ravaged by the
Viet Nam War, because really being exposed to Agent Orange and not having
your life turn out exactly how you wanted it to is really basically the same
thing, isn't it?
Nevertheless, keeping this in mind, I've decided to make my New Year's
Resolution something reasonable, something I have maybe a 50-50 shot at
living up to. My pledge last year to end global terror was a complete
failure and I'm not letting my eyes get too big for my stomach this year.
My New Year's resolution this year is not to die. I feel this is somewhat
achievable. See most people say they are going to quit smoking and then fail
on like the third day. With my resolution, quitting smoking would probably
help me achieve my goal, but I'm overconfident enough at this point that I'm
not really even considering it. There are a lot more good things about my
New Year's Resolution:
1.) I can't really achieve it until the end of the year. If I chose to
climb Mount Everest wearing a Ronald McDonald costume, that resolution could
be completed by at least mid-May, and then what would I have to do?
2.) I will be essentially doing my best to live up to this resolution
every single waking moment of the year!
3.) If I fail, I don't see myself feeling a ton of guilt over my failure.
The only thing that scares me of course, is that seemingly one of the best
ways of winding up dead is to joke about dying. Admit it, you've all read at
least 10 Biographies . Let me word this better. You've all seen at least 10
shows on the Biography Network, where someone made an odd reference or sly
turn of phrase about dying and then kicked like 4 days later. It is my
sincere hope that this happened merely because those people were always
making jokes about dying, and that I haven't forever sealed my fate. See, I'm
risking my very life to make my New Year's wish come through. I dare you to
tell me that you are doing more than me because you've decided to start
jogging three hours every morning before work.
The eeriest bit of non-plagiarism ever
I always think I've been plagiarized despite the fact that having an
audience of like 50 people really limits others' ability to plagiarize you.
I wrote the following about a month and a half ago in a piece no one has
really seen about Paul McCartney's new marriage.
There was an episode of the brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry
David was hesitant to commit to his wife for eternity. I wouldn't and I'm a
true believer in love. I have to believe that if there's a heaven, we revert
to a state of ourselves at our most beautiful. Kids who died suddenly become
the greatest potential of themselves. You mean I suddenly get to hit on
Marilyn Monroe
at my best and you want me to commit to some chick I met in Akron after I
lost my hair? Not likely.
In the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David dies, goes to
heaven, gets his hair back and finds out that Marilyn Monroe has a crush on
him. It first aired about a month ago. It isn't really that original, but
wow, I even referenced the exact show that staged my little scenario. Can
anyone else tell why I think God is just a guy somewhere messing with my
life for his own self amusement?
The Nonpareil Brilliance of Paris Hilton
Look I'm not out to argue that there haven't been greater success stories in
the world. Paris Hilton isn't Jesus. She was born with a lot more money than
him, but if you grant him the whole son of God thing, then really is it that
amazing that he reached the heights that he did? Albert Einstein, Jonas
Salk, Mozart, Wagner those dudes were really really smart. If I was born
with Mozart's musical talent, I'm pretty sure that I'd sell at least as many
records as John Tesh. Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Sharon Stone these were
some really hot women. If I looked like Grace Kelly, I may not have married
a Prince, but I'm guessing I'd be hooked up with at least a pretty rich
plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills.
Paris Hilton would probably have been like the tenth hottest girl in your
high school. I'm guessing that if Paris Hilton ever took the SAT's, she
would be hard pressed to match the score of a single College Basketball
player made to sit out their freshman year because of Proposition 48.
Sure, she has a name and her parents are wealthy. So did those Kennedy kids
who were out drunkenly playing football on skis on a regular basis. If I
were Paris Hilton, I wouldn't have even gone to college. I'd be living it up
like Jude Law in the Talented Mr. Ripley. And yet, here is a girl who
recognized her talents and used them to the fullest. She literally one day
may make as much money for just being herself as the Olson Twins have, and
she was never on a really crappy sit-com when she was really cute.
We've talked about her liabilities. If she had a good guidance counselor,
her session would have gone like this.
GC: Paris, what would you say your assets are?
Paris: Well, I'm vapid in that way all guys like. I'm obsessed with material
goods. I'm rich but I'd much rather be famous. I love seeing myself in the
mirror, in photos, on television, on video tape, on DVD, penciled by
Leonardo DiCaprio on a cruise ship. I really like to party and I'm willing
to be as trashy as it takes to get what I want.
GC: We can work with that!
Look it's forever astounded me the amount of money semi-famous people get
paid to give a speech at some dinner. Bill Clinton probably gets 100 Grand
an appearance. But again, Rhodes Scholar and former President. Paris Hilton
can not spell Rhodes Scholarship and she gets 20 K to show up at a party and
doesn't even have to give a speech.
This reminds me of one of my favorite examples of beauty over brains in the
USA. Tabitha Soren MTV's cute newswoman on the Clinton beat hears Bill say
how much he likes Thelonius Monk and walks over to a friend and asks "Who is
The Loneliest Monk?" I've even thought about naming a band that.
Please give Paris her props and be glad that unlike the doomed Dana Plato
she hasn't reproduced, or prompted someone to make a phone call to the
police telling them that the girl who played Kimberly on Different Strokes
just robbed her video store.
Why me and my Latin teacher had problems
Teacher: Today, we will be studying Plato
Me: Dana?
Back from dreaming for a day and a half
It's Monday afternoon now, I've just slept off New Year's Ever for like a
day and a half. The only thing I did on New Year's was buy cat food because
Bailey kept looking at me like a heroin addict about to lose it. I had some
funky dreams, which is weird because supposedly I have sleep apnea and don't
get any REM sleep at all. The oddest thing about my dreams is that in a lot
of them I'm really good at rollerblading. I'm rollerblading everywhere,
which is weird because I can barely rollerblade and the last time I
rollerbladed was like 8 years ago in Golden Gate park on a date and I was so
out of shape that after fifteen minutes I was exhausted and begged off and
moved us into the Aquarium. I have no idea what this says about me.
The dream I just had was sort of like a nightmare of all my most liberal
leanings. For some reason, I'm at my grandparent's old house and I've
volunteered to escort some high school kids to some sort of play or
something. A bus of like 80 out of control youth and their wildly liberal
teachers come over. They come into the house and basically just start
inhabiting it as if they own it. They are grabbing food. They make
themselves at home and start watching TV. They smoke all my cigarettes. As I'm
getting ready, in my bedroom, a naked teen girl leads two guys smoking
marijuana into my room and tells me that they need to use my bed. She has
this note that says she was caught having sex in public and that as a result
she has been ordered to carry at least three state issued condemns at all
times. In the dream, I totally lost it and start lecturing the kids. For
some reason, after I woke up, I sort of felt like I should have just gone
with it and enjoyed the carnality. Apparently, I'm much more conservative
when I'm asleep. Either that or I fell asleep with Rush Limbaugh on or
something.
Here's Dave
Was just thinking about David Letterman for some reason. When I was in high
school, I used to tape his show and watch it during school. You see most
days at school my mother would call in and say that I wasn't feeling well
and would be late. I would then take a bus that would get me to school about
two hours late, which in no way meant that I then proceeded to go to school.
Usually, I hung out all day in the AV room, which was basically a closet,
and watch videos. Then right before the last class of the day (well for me
it was study hall), I would sign in as present, which got me credit for a
half day of attendance (the front office knew nothing about fractions). Then
I would go to study hall, which for me took place in the AV room, because
supposedly as a member of the National Honors Society I was tutoring others
during my study hall. Sometimes when I was only sort of there, I would even
hang out with teachers. I'd go to the English Office and chat, sometimes
with the teacher, whose class I was about a half an hour away from blowing
off. I tell you, minus Mia Sara, I totally owned Ferris Beullar. We only
had a few videos. So other than when I would bring in a Letterman, it meant
another viewing of either Stripes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Deep
Throat. With today's technology, it's got to be really scary what the
inspired young high school kid could be into as we speak.
Dave was the coolest before he didn't get the Tonight Show gig. After that
he became all about, "I've thought a lot about what I need to do to get
ratings in an earlier time slot, and I can make those adjustments." Before
that he was on so late that no one really cared what he did. No one was
expected to watch and it was when almost no one had cable so about a third
of the television viewers would have been willing to watch a test pattern.
Most of the time Letterman just reveled in getting away with doing really
inane stuff on television. "Look at me, technology has given me a tool in
which I can reach and influence millions of people for the better. Let's
spend ten minutes showing me toss pencils out my fake window!" I remember
shows that were shown upside down, a show where all the usual nice furniture
had been replaced with really tacky lawn furniture, he was completely out of
control and it was brilliant and liberating. My favorite all time show was
one where he didn't show up because he was at home waiting for a man to come
and install his cable television. They showed him at home playing with his
dogs for like ten minutes and then Charles Grodin came out and pretended to
be irritated because he was sitting across from an empty desk, while he was
being interviewed.
He was also a complete ass in those days. Celebrities that didn't get the
joke avoided him because they didn't want to look stupid on television. Even
the ones that got it looked kind of stupid. He once made Teri Garr go into
his office and take a shower. Sandra Berhardt would go on and pretend she
was dying for Dave to fuck her right there on the desk. Jay Leno would come
on and be edgy and funny!!! Wow, the world sure has changed.
The only time I ever saw Letterman completely speechless was the first time
he had Cher on. He kept harping at her about why she had avoided his show
for so long and she finally said, "because I've always thought you were an
asshole!" He was totally shocked, and even, I think, felt bad like wow maybe
I am an asshole. He was as out of it for the next ten minutes as Farrah
Fawcett was that one time she showed up for the show having taken every
single drug ever invented.
And yet of course, that isn't my favorite Farrah late night appearance. That
would be when she was on Conan O'Brian. First he begged her to sit on a
motorcycle with him and then he begged her for like three minutes to star in
a Charlie's Angels reunion. She finally asked Conan what would be the point
what would they do that would be interesting, and Conan, totally crushed
said "What are you talking about, you'd get together and fight crime!"
Speaking of which, and this is really pathetic. When I was in Los Angeles, I
was bowling with some people and this really pretty girl basically begged me
to ask her out. So I took her out on this really cool date to see Jon Brion.
Tom Petty was in the audience. She was really into George Michael and
Charlie's Angels (this was before the movie came out). Thinking that the
date had gone fabulously, I went out and spent like 100 bucks on an original
Charlie's Angels toy van still in the packaging as a gift. Then she blew me
off, because I don't think she had realized that I was as old as I really
was. I still have that thing. In fact, it's still in the trunk of my car,
packed away in a box. I have no idea if its value has gone up or down. Maybe
I should put it up on E-Bay.
Oh, well where we were? Anyway, Dave didn't get the Tonight Show, basically
because of his outrageousness, and the perception (possibly false) that Jay
Leno was more willing to sell out and appeal to 80 year olds in Rhode
Island, and disappointed Dave decided to try to compete for that audience
too. It's like a genius Rock and Roll guitarist, who is suddenly told that
he is nothing because he doesn't play classical music, so he goes off and
writes a really bad Sonata, when the real answer should have been "I'd like
to see Leonard Bernstein shred like this!"
The complete end for me came when he censored Bill Hicks. Hicks did tons of
material about how his friend Jay Leno had sold out, and hated the show so
much he wouldn't do Leno. He loved Letterman, but every time he came on that
show, he had to dance around the censors. They actually wouldn't let him do
a joke about accidentally blinding a kid in elementary school with a pencil.
So he went on the show and did a bunch of clean, not really even offensive
jokes about religion, abortion, the controversy over homosexual children's
books. The whole set was approved and then the show balked and cut it out.
They promised to send Hicks a copy of the performance and didn't even do
that. If Madonna had gone on the old late night NBC Letterman show and
started swearing Dave would have been in rapture. When it happened at 11:45,
he almost had a conniption fit. Wasn't I just talking about the compromises
of adulthood. I guess Spinal Tap was right. "The proper time to sell out is
the first time someone offers you something."
The Rebellion of the Jedi
One of my favorite quotes ever was at the end of Alex Haley's Roots where he
says that the reason he wrote the book was his "hope that this story of our
people can help to alleviate the legacies of the fact that preponderantly
the histories have been written by the winners." On my 40th birthday, I was
at a party and I met these two guys from Virginia. I told them that I had
been there once for a friends' wedding and was shocked that everyone down
there is still talking about the Civil War and this was way before the whole
Ken Burns thing. No one in Ohio ever talks about the Civil War. They agreed
and shocked me when they told me that in the South it isn't called the Civil
War, that they actually teach kids in schools that the proper name is The
War of Northern Aggression. I can't tell you how much this still blows my
mind. Anyway, a couple days ago I was watching Revenge of the Sith, and I
was thinking that you could make a pretty decent movie from the Sith side of
things. Lucas' version just seems like a really biased propaganda film. I'm
guessing it wasn't so black and white (Darth vs. Luke). Who would be so evil
as to call their religion the dark side. I tend to doubt that that really
ever happened. Plus the Jedi were a bunch of uptight asses. Samuel S.
Jackson acts like the most arrogant father of all time. You're telling me
that dude was scared to death and had a personal crisis over having to tell
the Jedi that he had slept with and married Natalie Portman? What's with the
little kids? Were these Jedi nothing but a bunch of pedophiles? Remember
when they brought Anakin back and they told him he was too old for training.
This is really creeping me out. I'm guessing we haven't heard the whole
story.
Having degenerated down to Star Wars dork. I bid you adieu.